2-15-09

"The American people will never knowingly adopt Socialism. But under the name of 'liberalism' they will adopt every fragment of the Socialist program, until one day America will be a Socialist nation, without knowing how it happened."

-- Norman Thomas, six-time presidential candidate for the socialist party

1-18-09

Sea kittens made an appearance on the Colbert Report. I beat him to it!

"Now they've launched a campaign to discourage people from eating fish by calling fish 'sea kittens' ... But more importantly, if I stop eating sea kittens, I believe I get to start eating what I like to call land fish [shows picture of cat]."

1-14-09

Elf: "Whose legs are those?"
Richard: "Probably the guy waddling around on his torso."

-- Looking For Group

1-4-09

"If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail."

-- Bernard Baruch

12-27-08

The story of 2008, as told by Dave Barry.

"Obama, following through on his promise to bring change to Washington, quickly begins assembling an administration consisting of a diverse group of renegade outsiders, ranging all the way from lawyers who attended Ivy League schools and then worked in the Clinton administration to lawyers who attended entirely different Ivy league schools and then worked in the Clinton administration."

"More and more companies seek federal help, among them the troubled 'big three' auto makers, whose chief executives fly to Washington in three separate corporate jets to ask Congress for $25 billion, explaining that if they don't get the money, they will be unable to continue making cars that Americans are not buying."

12-19-08

Patient: I think my boyfriend and I have contracted either gonorrhea or chlamydia.
Doctor: What makes you say that?
Patient: Well, he's having kind of a pussy discharge from his penis and a burning sensation when he urinates.
Doctor: And what symptoms have you been having?
Patient: Well, I've had a sore throat...

-- Overheard in New York

12-12-08

"Traditions are an important part of Christmas. For example, when I was a boy, my mom and I had a wonderful tradition that went on for nearly 10 years, called: The Fruitcake Slam. I am not making this tradition up.

Every year, some people we knew thoughtfully sent us a fruitcake that was approximately the same density as the Hoover Dam. And every year, my mom -- who was, take my word for it, the funniest person who ever lived -- would declare, in her brightest June Cleaver voice: "Look, Davey!''

(She called me Davey.) "The fruitcake has arrived!''

And I'd say: ''Hurrah! I hope we don't accidentally leave it in the kitchen doorway, like last year!'' Then I'd open the kitchen door and place the fruitcake on the sill.

''UH-oh!'' my mom would say. ''It's getting drafty! I had best close the kitchen door!'' And she'd give the door a mighty slam. Usually the first slam would barely dent the fruitcake, so my mom would give it a few more, the two of us cackling like maniacs. This is still one of my fondest Christmas memories."

-- Dave Barry

12-8-08

"Trying to set my old ripped up mattress on fire. How to prevent the house from burning too?

I finally got a new mattress so I want to get rid of my old one. Its too heavy to carry downstairs so I was going to burn it right in the room. How do I prevent from the whole house burning down? I set it in the middle of the room and away from the walls and the walls are covered in foil. Should this be good enough?"

And of course, the expert answers. My favorite: "This is rather an odd question for the pregnancy section."

11-26-08

"A desire not to acknowledge depression in ourselves or those close to us -- better known these days as denial, is such a strong urge that plenty of people prefer to think that until you are actually flying out of a window, you don't have a problem."

-- Elizabeth Wurtzel

11-21-08

"I took my husband's i-phone and found a raunchy picture of him attached to an e-mail to a woman ... When I approached him about this (I think that he is cheating on me) he admitted that he took the picture but says that he never sent it to anyone. He claims that ... it is an i-phone glitch: that photos sometimes automatically attach themselves to an e-mail address and appear in the sent folder, even though no e-mail was ever sent. Has anyone ever heard of this happening?"

From the Apple support forum. Read the expert replies here.

11-9-08

"You can't fight ideas with bullets."

-- Deus Ex

11-7-08

"The fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses."

-- Carl Sagan

11-4-08

I voted today. Not that it made any difference.

"The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it."

-- P.J. O'Rourke

10-18-08

"One of our neighbors in Tisvilde once fixed a horseshoe over the door to his house. When a common friend asked him, `But are you really superstitious? Do you honestly believe that this horseshoe will bring you luck?' he replied, `Of course not; but I've been told it works whether you believe in it or not.'"

-- Niels Bohr

10-7-08

"When I was about 6 I used to believe that clouds were a collection of everyone's farts around the world and that when people farted too much this would cause big rain clouds to form and then it would rain. For a few years I remember being terrified of rain because I believed it to be 'fart water' and I would always cry and have my dad carry me under his umbrella so I wouldn't get any on me."

-- www.iusedtobelieve.com

9-29-08

"I don't think I'll ever become an American, Mom. I don't think I'll ever forget Russian. And the main reason I'll never become an American is, because I don't like pizza."

-- Me, when I was 6.

Well, I still remember a little Russian, but I do like my pizza.

9-28-08

"Money can't buy you love, but love can bring you money. In software the only sustainable way to earn money is by first creating love, and then hoping that some folks want to demonstrate that love with their dollars.

The cheddary 'Free to Play' is not just a cheesy marketing slogan, but a shift in assumptions; it costs approaching nothing to give away some bits, or let people play Puzzle Pirates for free. Every player, free or paid, adds value to the community and excitement for other players. Free players are the content, context and society that encourages a small fraction of the audience to willingly pay more than enough to subsidize the rest.

'Not fair', the vendor of music or packaged software cries. Well, tough shit. Nobody added your business to the list of protected species, despite what your lobbyists and lawyers say. Find a business model that's actually appropriate to the 21st century."

-- Daniel James, at Penny Arcade

9-13-08

"That's the kind of person that, even if there's no God, they're going to hell."

-- Sam, on Feng Shui consultants

9-6-08

Imperius: I fully expect to meet you at the Pearly Gates, little thief, and don't you dare disappoint me.
Phillipe: I'll meet you there, Father... even if I have to pick the lock.

This is a line by Matthew Broderick's character in the 1985 movie Ladyhawke. Awesome line. Shitty movie.

8-25-08

High school-age Jersey girl: So I went on my ex-boyfriend's Facebook, since his birthday was last week. Only like 30 people wrote on his wall to wish him happy birthday.

Friend: Oh my god. What a loser!

-- Overheard in New York