3-18-08

Arthur C. Clarke died today.

3-17-08

Goldfish have an attention span of 3 seconds.

Yeah, I don't know what the hell is up with Snapple lids these days, either.

3-16-08

Personalized M&M's. This is only a notch better than the Sudoku toilet paper.

3-15-08

3-14-08

First of all, happy Pi Day. Second of all: puns!

3-13-08

Slang That I'm Officially Too Old For, #2:

rickroll (v) -- to present someone with a hyperlink that points to this video, yet claim that it points to some other, infinitely more interesting, thing.

For example: Scarlett Johansson finally shows her boobs!

3-12-08

"To do two things at once is to do neither."

— Publilius Syrus, Roman slave, first century B.C.

3-11-08

Hilarious.

3-10-08

Can't tell if this story is true or an early April Fool's prank.

"Weenus Chumkamnerd, 52, put his gun to the head of a respected female doctor and seven of her guests as they partied at her home in Songkhla Province, South Thailand.

He said he was so furious with their awful singing that he did not notice he had murdered his own brother-in-law.

'I warned these people about their noisy karaoke parties. I said if they carried on I would go down and shoot them.'"

John Denver karaoke sparks Thai killing spree.

3-9-08

Dave: "So, should we get going?"
Me: "Nah, it's not going to take an hour to get there."
Dave: "Um..."

Wish somebody had told me about daylight fucking savings time.

3-8-08

Ferrets often get killed in recliner sofas.

3-7-08

"My other D&D story involves a girl I was infatuated with who decided that D&D was of the devil, and I should immediately throw away all my stuff. Hmmm. The girl or the D&D? Which should I choose?

I chose the girl. She chose my best friend. But by then all my D&D stuff was ashes in the trash burner."

Favorite Dungeons and Dragons Moments.

3-6-08

The word amphitheater has that extra "h" after the "p".

3-5-08

Gary Gygax, co-creator of D&D, died yesterday. Also:

http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2008/03/04

3-4-08

Heather Graham's dad used to be an FBI agent.

3-3-08

Arrested Development was an awesome show.

3-2-08

My Guitar Hero guitar is broken! That's no good.

3-1-08

Face goal.

2-29-08

Best football play ever.

2-28-08

All right, this is kind of embarrassing, but I feel that if you're reading this blog you have some interest in learning things about me, and you therefore have the right to know that I spend a decent amount of time looking at Guitar Hero videos on Youtube. (In the case of the above link, it's actually a Rock Band video of the drums, but the point is the same.)

2-27-08

Garfield minus Garfield.

2-26-08

The comic it was part of became lame and I eventually quit following it, but here's my nominee for the best single strip of all comics of all time:

A perfect world.

2-25-08

Boxing was the first sport to be filmed, in 1894.

2-24-08

Dave made cupcakes!

2-23-08

Tuff = Token Ugly Fat Friend.

2-22-08

Supermanning.

To "Superman" someone, esp. a ho, means to masturbate on her back after she falls asleep and then stick the sheets to the spunk, thereby giving her a cape.

2-21-08

Culdcept Saga: not a great game.

2-20-08

Earthquakes aren't caused by the movement of tectonic plates. They happen because of gay people.

2-19-08

I know it's early, but here's a possible candidate for Best Joke of 2008:

Q: What's Michael Jackson's favorite steak?

A: Prime crib.

2-18-08

Tricky parking.

2-17-08

In Japan, there is a holiday called "Black Day," which is sort of like Valentine's Day except it's for single people. Yeah, nothing says "holiday" like calling people out for being ugly, and alone.

2-16-08

At the playground.

2-15-08

2-14-08

Valentine's Day is a festering swamp cloud of bullshit for about a hundred billion reasons, but what truly baffles me about the holiday is when it rolls around and the people who don't have a Valentine get depressed. To me this is incomprehensible. Being depressed on Valentine's Day because you're not dating someone is like being depressed on Martin Luther King Day because you're not black.

2-13-08

Snow is the bastard child of Satan's bastard daughter's ex-husband's bastard mule.

2-12-08

Andy sent me a video which wasn't ear-rippingly bad, and so I will honor the surprising occasion and share it here.

2-11-08

"See how eager and willing the country is to follow a banner, if only someone will raise it."

-- Niccolo Machiavelli

2-10-08

Bacon-wrapped hotdogs are illegal in Los Angeles.

2-9-08

Cute story about a hippo and a turtle. With pictures!

2-8-08

Um, okay.

2-7-08

Click on the picture to see it better.

2-6-08

Why does it snow? Why can't it just, I don't know, not snow, instead?

2-5-08

Naturally, the year I move to Wisconsin is the snowiest winter in the state's history.

2-4-08

People make games in ASCII.

2-3-08

The Superbowl featured a commercial for porn.

2-2-08

Human beatboxing.

2-1-08

E.T. saved Reese's Pieces from going out of business.

1-31-08

Late at night, nothing gets the job done like an ice cream sandwich.

1-30-08

"Enuf" is a real word. It means, "enough."

Hey, it's in the dictionary.

1-29-08

Before mercury, thermometers were made with alcohol.

1-28-08

Unsure about Scientology? Perhaps Tom Cruise can sway you.

1-27-08

Our oven is unnaturally hot.

1-26-08

Squirrels have a life expectancy of about one year.

1-25-08

You shouldn't have.

1-24-08

Groan!

1-23-08

Lance Armstrong dated Ashley Olsen.

1-22-08

Heath Ledger died today. He took too many sleeping pills.

1-21-08

Today is the second anniversary of this blog. In the two years since I started this thing, I finished college, got a job, became unemployed, and got noticeably balder. I hope the next two years are just as great.

1-20-08

Bobby Fischer is dead. Also, the founder of Wham-O.

1-19-08

I haven't linked to this comic in a while.

1-18-08

David: I'll see you in hell.
Sam: Actually, I don't think you will.
D: Why not?
S: Because I'm a ninja.
D: What, ninjas don't go to hell?
S: No, you just can't see them.

1-17-08

1-16-08

Clementines can get moldy. Furthermore, if it takes you long enough to figure this out, they'll leave a giant mold smear all over your counter.

1-15-08

Snakes aren't slimy.

1-14-08

"One cannot but wonder at this constantly recurring phrase 'getting something for nothing,' as if it were the peculiar and perverse ambition of disturbers of society. Except for our animal outfit, practically all we have is handed to us gratis. Can the most complacent reactionary flatter himself that he invented the art of writing or the printing press, or discovered his religious, economic and moral convictions, or any of the devices which supply him with meat and raiment or any of the sources of pleasure as he may derive from literature or the fine arts? In short, civilization is little else than getting something for nothing."

-- James Harvey Robinson

1-13-08

1-12-08

Blizzard put out WoW commercials starring William Shatner and Mr. T.

1-11-08

1-10-08

"Nice shooting, Vic," Fisheye says.

"It's, like, one of them drug dealer boats," Vic says, looking through his magic sight. "Five guys on it. Headed our way." He fires another round. "Correction. Four guys on it." Boom. "Correction, they're not headed our way anymore." Boom. A fireball erupts from the ocean two hundred feet away. "Correction. No boat."

-- Snow Crash

===

Neal Stephenson popularized the term "avatar."

1-9-08

Best cereal ever.

1-8-08

Zero Punctuation. Hilarious animated reviews of video games.

1-7-08

Pigs can get sunburn.

1-6-08

Banned commercial.

1-5-08

I visited Marina and Yuriy this weekend and they are kind of obsessed with Settlers.

1-4-08

I drove to Ann Arbor today and got lost twice. Coming out of Columbus.

1-3-08

Introductory Photoshop tutorial.

1-2-08

There is a mathematician named Jacques Tits.

1-1-08

Drew Carey is now the host of The Price is Right.

12-31-07

A polar bear walks into a bar. He comes up to the bartender and says, "I'd like ... ... ... ... ... a beer."

The bartender says, "Fine, but what's with the huge paws?"

(My congratulations to Andy for the best joke of 2007.)

12-30-07

Towing 101.

12-29-07

Doesn't Congress have better things to do?

12-28-07

Jim was all up in my face because I didn't know what a trivet was, yet he himself had never heard of the "not it" nose-touching game. Who is the bigger ignoramus, please?

12-27-07

"A girl would have to be very desperate to go out with you. No, I'm sorry -- extremely desperate."

-- Julie

12-26-07

My grandpa was born in Belarus.

12-25-07

"Do me a solid." This is officially the first piece of new slang I'm too old for.

12-24-07

The little stand that you put hot dishes on is called a trivet.

12-23-07

"Rumor is we've been infiltrated, so keep an eye out for anyone suspicious."

Candyland in other worlds.

12-22-07

Quack quack! Not to mention: Mieaw!

12-21-07

According to this review, the new Microsoft operating system is a great improvement.

12-20-07

What I want for Christmas.

12-19-07

Grapefruit is delicious.

12-18-07

Dave got me a new watch for Christmas! I've been carrying a watch in my pocket with a broken wristband for well over a year now.

12-17-07

Terry Pratchett has Alzheimer's.

12-16-07

This election, know who's really wrong for America.

12-15-07

The Foo Fighters were founded by the former drummer for Nirvana.

12-14-07

Rock Band rocks.

12-13-07

The Bagel

I stopped to pick up the bagel
rolling away in the wind,
annoyed with myself
for having dropped it
as if it were a portent.
Faster and faster it rolled,
with me running after it
bent low, gritting my teeth,
and I found myself doubled over
and rolling down the street
head over heels, one complete somersault
after another like a bagel
and strangely happy with myself.

-- David Ignatow

12-12-07

"If you wrote something for which someone sent you a check, if you cashed the check and it didn't bounce, and if you then paid the light bill with the money, I consider you talented."

-- Stephen King

12-11-07

Lansing is the capital of Michigan.

12-10-07

Tasseography.