4-29-06

No matter how much I want to like them or how hard I try, White Cheddar Cheezits are just plain awful.

4-28-06

"Fugly would be 'fucking ugly,' but what's fularious?" -- Professor Emmons

"Only when we hear English on the lips of Americans do we fear for its integrity." -- Basil De Selincourt

4-27-06

If there are k people in a group, it is possible for each person to select a random number and then compute the product of all the numbers, without anyone learning the secret number of anyone else.

4-26-06

In England, writers don't pay income tax.

There is a hole in my right pants pocket just big enough for a pencil to fall through. As a result I have had to transfer my pencils and pen from my right pocket to my left pocket.

4-25-06

Hitachi developed a method for increasing the recording capacity of a hard drive by 1000%. Naturally, the first thing they did after achieving this incredible technological accomplishment, was make an animated cartoon music video about it. Check it out.

4-24-06

Sean Connery passed up the chance to play in both Lord of the Rings and The Matrix.

4-23-06

One intense evening of four-square is sufficient to leave you sore for several days.

4-22-06

Torus games! Click here to download.

4-21-06

Over twenty countries, such China and Australia, print their money on plastic instead of paper. Plastic money lasts four times longer and is much harder to counterfeit.

4-20-06

Do your homework the night before it's due. Otherwise, you worry so much about getting it done before class starts, that you end up forgetting about the meeting you were supposed to have with your advisor...

4-19-06

Phil's glasses broke a few weeks ago and have since been held together by Scotch tape and strips of paper. Today I saw he added a ring of red beads around the entire frame.

I sure hope he doesn't have any job interviews in the near future.

4-18-06

I take entirely too long to write papers.

Intrigue is an awesome game. Simple, elegant, cheap, compact, and best of all, you get a nice dirty feeling when you win, like when you screw someone over really badly and you know they'll never trust you again. Because that's pretty much what you spend the entire game doing.

Congratulations to Kyle for making the first "I'm intrigued!" joke. Julie came in close second, Dave was an abysmal third, and Kevin made a particularly poor showing, finishing in fourth.

4-17-06

A subset of a regular set is not always a regular set.

4-16-06

Julie is the ONLY PERSON who doesn't like Fist of Dragonstones.

4-15-06

There are people out there who take pictures of extremely bad Scrabble hands and post them on the internet.

4-14-06

Freecell is NOT a theoretical win. Fire up Freecell, go to Select Game, and type in -1 or -2. You will see a setup which is obviously impossible.

4-13-06

One of the members of chess club, who I thought was German, is actually a Croatian refugee from Bosnia. He's a cool guy. And I'm not just saying that because I trounced him in chess.

4-12-06

Dave got an X-Box 360 for his birthday. And a cake. The cake is gigantic and covered by a one inch-thick layer of unbelievably delicious chocolate frosting. His mom baked it herself and mailed it all the way from Minnesota.

Some parents just love their children more than other parents.

4-11-06

Blue Raspberry Jolly Ranchers turn your tongue seriously blue. It doesn't come out easily, either, not even when you brush your tongue.

4-10-06

Most airplane fuselages are made out of plastic. They're painted to look like aluminum so that people won't get scared.

4-9-06

Connect Four was solved independently by two people in 1988. The game is a theoretical win for the first player if he plays in the middle; a theoretical draw if he plays to one side of the middle; and a theoretical loss if he plays elsewhere.

4-8-06

There have been many recorded pictures of galaxies colliding, but we have never seen two stars collide. That's because relative to their sizes, galaxies are much closer together than are stars.

4-7-06

Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo. This is a perfectly legitimate sentence.

4-6-06

Phil, my chess club buddy, was at the Kaidanov Chess Camp with me in 1999. I don't remember him, but he vaguely remembers me. He didn't realize it, though, until he saw me in my super stylish "Kaidanov Chess Camp 1999" maroon t-shirt.

Lesson: never throw away your old clothing.

4-5-06

www.woot.com is a website that sells one nifty gadget every day. One. The next day, it sells something else.

4-4-06

In English class today we did Powerpoint presentations about old English texts.

Confused student #1: "Why won't my attachment open?"
Sean: "I think your megapixel output is corrupted."

Confused student #2: "Where do I insert my memory stick?"
Sean: "Check under the converter."

"And I was like, why is there sperm EVERYWHERE?!" -- T. It was an absolutely legitimate statement in the context of his presentation.

"I had no idea sex with cows would come up today." Professor Emmons, at the completion of the aforementioned presentation.

---

Poke the penguin.

Irrumator in Latin means "one who forces others to give him head."

4-3-06

Being drunk doesn't make a guy impotent, but it does make it hard for him to finish what he starts, if you catch my drift. The same applies to girls. The lesson here is that you should drink a lot if you have a habit of dropping out of the race early, or if you plan to indulge in threesomes.

4-2-06

A. You can throw up from drinking too much water. It makes your stomach swell, which your stomach doesn't approve of, especially when it's irritated after a night of heavy boozing.

B. Having thrown up the water as described in (A) above, it is generally not wise to then drink more water. "Tempering" it with orange juice doesn't help.

Source: being awoken twice on Sunday morning by the sound of Jim vomitting.

Note: I did not partake in the aforementioned boozing because I was gone all day at a chess tournament, but it is very frightening to enter your suite at midnight and find that all of your suitemates are splayed out on the ground because their temporary absence of motor functions prevents them from assuming a standing or even sitting position.

4-1-06

The Auk isn't just a creepy made-up mascot designed to terrorize gifted young children who are participating in the Knowledge Master Open. It is a real bird. Auks are similar to penguins, but they can fly. They live in the Arctic.

3-31-06

"I refuse to use a calculator mod 7. Anybody who has to use a calculator mod 7 should go back to GRADE SCHOOL."

-- Professor Singer, whilst stumped on a difficult computation, upon being advised by a student to use a calculator.