6-7-08

Man jumps from plane with no parachute, dies.

6-6-08

It takes less water to run a dishwasher than to wash those same dishes by hand.

6-5-08

Dave's 360 got Red Ring'd. For the second time.

6-4-08

A year ago today was my first day at Epic. It was not to be...

6-3-08

A sunset on Mars:

6-2-08

Somebody in Japan claims to have made cold fusion work.

6-1-08

A fifteen hour tutoring package at Kaplan costs $2000.

5-31-08

5-30-08

For a long time, Louis XVI didn't know how to have sex.

"The true cause of the couple's infertility is revealed in a letter written by Marie-Antoinette's brother, Joseph II, to another brother, Leopold II...the problem was that when the King and Queen slept together, 'he introduces the member, stays there without moving for about two minutes, withdraws without ejaculating but still erect, and bids goodnight.'"

5-29-08

The best of Craigslist. My favorite: Mom, I know you're there.

5-28-08

5-27-08

If you highlight something written in ink that hasn't dried yet, the highlighter will be ruined FOR EVER.

5-26-08

Harmony: Well, for starters, she's been fucked more times than she's had a hot meal.
Harry: Yeah, I heard about that. It was neck-and-neck and then she skipped lunch.

-- Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

5-25-08

5-24-08

Paul Newman is colorblind.

5-23-08

The new Indiana Jones movie has some funny moments and good action scenes, but it's also a travesty upon reason. Without spoiling too much, let me just say EVERYBODY SHOULD HAVE DIED. MANY TIMES.

So I can't recommend it.

5-22-08

Esperanto isn't the only "designed" language. There's also Lojban and Toki Pona and probably others.

5-21-08

Rickrolling...a cake!

5-20-08

Unbelievable wall-painted animation.

5-19-08

I'm not sure why I find this picture so hot. Does anyone else think so?

5-18-08

It's ice-nine!

5-17-08

Nicholas Cage is a terrible actor.

5-16-08

A penny is heavier than a hummingbird.

5-15-08

madthink: what does putting sugar in someones gas tank do
maff: I heard when you start the engine cinnamon rolls come out
maff: with frosting and everything
madthink: i need to get revenge in the worst way
maff: cinnamon rolls arent really revenge

5-14-08

Felch.

This is one of those moments when I need to refrain from providing a definition -- or even a link to the definition -- if I want to keep this blog rated R.

5-13-08

5-12-08

Wizard of Bling.

5-11-08

"If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me."

-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth

5-10-08

When Louis XVI was executed, the guillotine blade didn't initially cut his head all the way off.

5-9-08

An interesting biography of Jules Verne.

5-8-08

Shrimp can only swim backwards.

5-7-08

Ian's Shoelace Site, featuring 17 Different Ways to Tie Shoelaces.

5-6-08

Bacon doughnuts.


You can get them in Oregon.

5-5-08

Dave is quitting Epic at the end of the month. Well, he lasted longer than I did.

5-4-08

Talking about superheroes. With Sam.

Sam: "What'd be really interesting is a superhero whose only power is that he's immune to the Grandfather Paradox."

Me: "Does this power actually let him travel back in time?"

Sam: "No. But all he has to do is find a way to go back in time and he'll be able to do really cool things."

Amanda: "I don't understand."

Sam: "Well, this superhero would be the only person in the world who could go back in time, kill his own grandfather, and not cease to exist or cause the universe to explode. What this really means is that he's immune to causality. You see, normally the Grandfather Paradox makes it impossible to go back in time and complete a mission, because if you succeed, then it eliminates need of going back in the first place; and if you fail, then what's the point of going back in time? But because he's immune to causality, it's actually possible for him to complete missions."

Amanda: "That doesn't make any sense. Wouldn't it still change everything?"

Sam: "No it wouldn't. Here, suppose I've got this power and I've gone back in time and killed Hitler. Ask me any question."

Amanda: "Okay. Did World War 2 ever happen?"

Sam: "I don't know what you're talking about."

Amanda: "Um. Was there a World War 2?"

Sam: "I don't understand what you're saying."

Amanda, me, and David: "..."

Sam: "You see? That's his power. He doesn't understand any of your questions."

5-3-08

For the first time in a little over a year, I played Die Macher again today. This time it was with the full five players, and man is it an awesome game. Who knew German politics were so exciting?

5-2-08

Great moments in Apples to Apples.

The adjective: Tempting

The winning noun: Day-Care Centers

5-1-08

4-30-08

Brie crust is mold.

4-29-08

The incubation period for mad cow disease is five years.

4-28-08

Taking a stand.

4-27-08

Good cartoons are enriching as well as amusing.

4-26-08

The Hobbit movie is really happening, and Guillermo del Toro was hired as the director.

4-25-08

Tom: Look, it's all completely chicken soup.
Nick the Greek: It's what?
Tom: It's kosher. As Christmas.
Nick the Greek: The Jews don't celebrate Christmas, Tom.

-- Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

4-24-08

Bears can eat each other!

4-23-08

I'm pretty sure Marina's blog is dead, so I removed the link. Carry on, Andy! You're the only one left.

4-22-08

The Ultimate Showdown has an Arrested Development reference.

4-21-08

Dave won the Epic short fiction writing contest! The prize is an impressive $200 gift certificate to a local bookshop.

4-20-08

Schoolgirl #1: She just kept going on about chewing cunts in class.
Schoolgirl #2: Cud, you dumbass! Cows don't chew cunt.

Overheard in New York.

4-19-08

Wikipedia was created by a porn webring company.

4-18-08

Polar bear liver has such a high concentration of vitamin A that it's toxic.

4-17-08

An Engineer's Guide to Cats.

4-16-08

Don't blame me for not updating. Blame my god damn free apartment internet!

Oh yes, the fact: free apartment internet sucks. I think I've done this one before.

4-15-08

Nerd.

4-14-08

The Job.

4-13-08

Buffalo hot dogs are delicious.

4-12-08

Foil cards in 10th Edition don't have reminder text.

4-11-08

I thought perhaps that this would be the year there would be no snow in April. Just once in my lifetime, I would like to go the entirety of April without seeing any fucking snow!!

4-10-08

Dave has convinced me to try Battlestar Galactica, and it startles me to say that even though the show has appeared on the Sci-Fi Channel and should therefore by all accounts be an abomination of human dignity, it's decent.

4-9-08

"We were a fashionable and highly cultured party. We had on our best clothes, and we talked pretty, and were very happy - all except two young fellows, students, just returned from Germany, commonplace young men, who seemed restless and uncomfortable, as if they found the proceedings slow. The truth was, we were too clever for them. Our brilliant but polished conversation, and our high-class tastes, were beyond them. They were out of place, among us. They never ought to have been there at all. Everybody agreed upon that, later on.

We played morceaux from the old German masters. We discussed philosophy and ethics. We flirted with graceful dignity. We were even humorous - in a high-class way.

Somebody recited a French poem after supper, and we said it was beautiful; and then a lady sang a sentimental ballad in Spanish, and it made one or two of us weep - it was so pathetic.

And then those two young men got up, and asked us if we had ever heard Herr Slossenn Boschen (who had just arrived, and was then down in the supper-room) sing his great German comic song.

None of us had heard it, that we could remember.

The young men said it was the funniest song that had ever been written, and that, if we liked, they would get Herr Slossenn Boschen, whom they knew very well, to sing it. They said it was so funny that, when Herr Slossenn Boschen had sung it once before the German Emperor, he (the German Emperor) had had to be carried off to bed.

They said nobody could sing it like Herr Slossenn Boschen; he was so intensely serious all through it that you might fancy he was reciting a tragedy, and that, of course, made it all the funnier. They said he never once suggested by his tone or manner that he was singing anything funny - that would spoil it. It was his air of seriousness, almost of pathos, that made it so irresistibly amusing.

We said we yearned to hear it, that we wanted a good laugh; and they went downstairs, and fetched Herr Slossenn Boschen.

He appeared to be quite pleased to sing it, for he came up at once, and sat down to the piano without another word.

"Oh, it will amuse you. You will laugh," whispered the two young men, as they passed through the room, and took up an unobtrusive position behind the Professor's back.

Herr Slossenn Boschen accompanied himself. The prelude did not suggest a comic song exactly. It was a weird, soulful air. It quite made one's flesh creep; but we murmured to one another that it was the German method, and prepared to enjoy it.

I don't understand German myself. I learned it at school, but forgot every word of it two years after I had left, and have felt much better ever since. Still, I did not want the people there to guess my ignorance; so I hit upon what I thought to be rather a good idea. I kept my eye on the two young students, and followed them. When they tittered, I tittered; when they roared, I roared; and I also threw in a little snigger all by myself now and then, as if I had seen a bit of humour that had escaped the others. I considered this particularly artful on my part.

I noticed, as the song progressed, that a good many other people seemed to have their eye fixed on the two young men, as well as myself. These other people also tittered when the young men tittered, and roared when the young men roared; and, as the two young men tittered and roared and exploded with laughter pretty continuously all through the song, it went exceedingly well.

And yet that German Professor did not seem happy. At first, when we began to laugh, the expression of his face was one of intense surprise, as if laughter were the very last thing he had expected to be greeted with. We thought this very funny: we said his earnest manner was half the humour. The slightest hint on his part that he knew how funny he was would have completely ruined it all. As we continued to laugh, his surprise gave way to an air of annoyance and indignation, and he scowled fiercely round upon us all (except upon the two young men who, being behind him, he could not see). That sent us into convulsions. We told each other that it would be the death of us, this thing. The words alone, we said, were enough to send us into fits, but added to his mock seriousness - oh, it was too much!

In the last verse, he surpassed himself. He glowered round upon us with a look of such concentrated ferocity that, but for our being forewarned as to the German method of comic singing, we should have been nervous; and he threw such a wailing note of agony into the weird music that, if we had not known it was a funny song, we might have wept.

He finished amid a perfect shriek of laughter. We said it was the funniest thing we had ever heard in all our lives. We said how strange it was that, in the face of things like these, there should be a popular notion that the Germans hadn't any sense of humour. And we asked the Professor why he didn't translate the song into English, so that the common people could understand it, and hear what a real comic song was like.

Then Herr Slossenn Boschen got up, and went on awful. He swore at us in German (which I should judge to be a singularly effective language for that purpose), and he danced, and shook his fists, and called us all the English he knew. He said he had never been so insulted in all his life.

It appeared that the song was not a comic song at all. It was about a young girl who lived in the Hartz Mountains, and who had given up her life to save her lover's soul; and he died, and met her spirit in the air; and then, in the last verse, he jilted her spirit, and went on with another spirit - I'm not quite sure of the details, but it was something very sad, I know. Herr Boschen said he had sung it once before the German Emperor, and he (the German Emperor) had sobbed like a little child. He (Herr Boschen) said it was generally acknowledged to be one of the most tragic and pathetic songs in the German language.

It was a trying situation for us - very trying. There seemed to be no answer. We looked around for the two young men who had done this thing, but they had left the house in an unostentatious manner immediately after the end of the song.

That was the end of that party. I never saw a party break up so quietly, and with so little fuss. We never said good-night even to one another. We came downstairs one at a time, walking softly, and keeping the shady side. We asked the servant for our hats and coats in whispers, and opened the door for ourselves, and slipped out, and got round the corner quickly, avoiding each other as much as possible.

I have never taken much interest in German songs since then."

-- Jerome K. Jerome, Three Men In a Boat (To Say Nothing of the Dog)

4-8-08

Racing through space at unimaginable speeds, Capt. Dimwell could only imagine how fast his spaceship was going.

The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest.

4-7-08

Anti Monkey Butt Powder. It's real.

4-6-08

Anal bleaching.

"Anal bleaching is the practice of bleaching the pigmentation of the skin of light-skinned people around the anus. It is used for cosmetic purposes."

There are so many things in those two sentences that I don't understand.

4-5-08

Charleton Heston died today.

4-4-08

Dave and I finished Arrested Development. Greatest show on television? Not quite. But it was pretty hilarious.

4-3-08

Porcupines float in water.

4-2-08

4-1-08

A cool April Fool's prank, plus history lesson.

3-31-08

Human Space Invaders! There are three others in the series, but SI is the best.

3-30-08

3-29-08

Big tree -- distant fruit.

-- Indian saying

3-28-08

Q: What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?



A: The Holocaust.

3-27-08

MushMouth -- that classic board game!

3-26-08

Incompetent People Really Have No Clue, Studies Find.

The article (compliments of Marina) is utter bullshit, but it's worth it for the title.

In the words of Lila: "That researcher was right about one thing: he is incompetent."

3-25-08

Buster: Mom is becoming a little controlling.
Michael: What tipped you off? When she locked you out on the balcony again?
Buster: That was half my fault. I thought I saw a graham cracker out there.

-- Arrested Development

3-24-08

3-23-08

Boners!

3-22-08

3-21-08

Highlander is a terrible, terrible movie.

3-20-08

Mark Hamill is married to a dental hygienist.

3-19-08

Normally I don't go for "cute," but just this once:

3-18-08

Arthur C. Clarke died today.

3-17-08

Goldfish have an attention span of 3 seconds.

Yeah, I don't know what the hell is up with Snapple lids these days, either.

3-16-08

Personalized M&M's. This is only a notch better than the Sudoku toilet paper.

3-15-08

3-14-08

First of all, happy Pi Day. Second of all: puns!

3-13-08

Slang That I'm Officially Too Old For, #2:

rickroll (v) -- to present someone with a hyperlink that points to this video, yet claim that it points to some other, infinitely more interesting, thing.

For example: Scarlett Johansson finally shows her boobs!

3-12-08

"To do two things at once is to do neither."

— Publilius Syrus, Roman slave, first century B.C.

3-11-08

Hilarious.

3-10-08

Can't tell if this story is true or an early April Fool's prank.

"Weenus Chumkamnerd, 52, put his gun to the head of a respected female doctor and seven of her guests as they partied at her home in Songkhla Province, South Thailand.

He said he was so furious with their awful singing that he did not notice he had murdered his own brother-in-law.

'I warned these people about their noisy karaoke parties. I said if they carried on I would go down and shoot them.'"

John Denver karaoke sparks Thai killing spree.

3-9-08

Dave: "So, should we get going?"
Me: "Nah, it's not going to take an hour to get there."
Dave: "Um..."

Wish somebody had told me about daylight fucking savings time.

3-8-08

Ferrets often get killed in recliner sofas.

3-7-08

"My other D&D story involves a girl I was infatuated with who decided that D&D was of the devil, and I should immediately throw away all my stuff. Hmmm. The girl or the D&D? Which should I choose?

I chose the girl. She chose my best friend. But by then all my D&D stuff was ashes in the trash burner."

Favorite Dungeons and Dragons Moments.

3-6-08

The word amphitheater has that extra "h" after the "p".

3-5-08

Gary Gygax, co-creator of D&D, died yesterday. Also:

http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2008/03/04

3-4-08

Heather Graham's dad used to be an FBI agent.

3-3-08

Arrested Development was an awesome show.

3-2-08

My Guitar Hero guitar is broken! That's no good.

3-1-08

Face goal.

2-29-08

Best football play ever.