12-28-08

Disgusted Beyond Belief. It's a good blog. Try his "well-read posts" and see if you like it from there.

12-27-08

The story of 2008, as told by Dave Barry.

"Obama, following through on his promise to bring change to Washington, quickly begins assembling an administration consisting of a diverse group of renegade outsiders, ranging all the way from lawyers who attended Ivy League schools and then worked in the Clinton administration to lawyers who attended entirely different Ivy league schools and then worked in the Clinton administration."

"More and more companies seek federal help, among them the troubled 'big three' auto makers, whose chief executives fly to Washington in three separate corporate jets to ask Congress for $25 billion, explaining that if they don't get the money, they will be unable to continue making cars that Americans are not buying."

12-26-08

The story of 2008, as told by awesome pictures.

12-25-08

Lobsters are boiled alive. The air escaping their shells makes a sound as though they're screaming.

12-24-08

12-23-08

In its time, Waterworld was the most expensive movie ever made.

12-22-08

Wearable hummingbird feeder. A product that finally rectifies the central objection I've always had with hummingbird feeders, which is that you couldn't wear them on your face.

12-21-08

Balsamic vinegar is made from grapes.

12-20-08

Elven Blood on Facebook. It's strangely addictive.

12-19-08

Patient: I think my boyfriend and I have contracted either gonorrhea or chlamydia.
Doctor: What makes you say that?
Patient: Well, he's having kind of a pussy discharge from his penis and a burning sensation when he urinates.
Doctor: And what symptoms have you been having?
Patient: Well, I've had a sore throat...

-- Overheard in New York

12-18-08

Achievement Unlocked.

12-17-08

If your teeth have just been brushed, coke tastes gross.

12-16-08

A kid was born with a foot growing in its head. Details.

12-15-08

I've joined a writing group! Turns out a couple of my friends were closet novelists and I never knew.

12-14-08

Zertz is a pretty cool board game.

12-13-08

The Benny Hillifier. "Add Yakety Sax to anything!"

12-12-08

"Traditions are an important part of Christmas. For example, when I was a boy, my mom and I had a wonderful tradition that went on for nearly 10 years, called: The Fruitcake Slam. I am not making this tradition up.

Every year, some people we knew thoughtfully sent us a fruitcake that was approximately the same density as the Hoover Dam. And every year, my mom -- who was, take my word for it, the funniest person who ever lived -- would declare, in her brightest June Cleaver voice: "Look, Davey!''

(She called me Davey.) "The fruitcake has arrived!''

And I'd say: ''Hurrah! I hope we don't accidentally leave it in the kitchen doorway, like last year!'' Then I'd open the kitchen door and place the fruitcake on the sill.

''UH-oh!'' my mom would say. ''It's getting drafty! I had best close the kitchen door!'' And she'd give the door a mighty slam. Usually the first slam would barely dent the fruitcake, so my mom would give it a few more, the two of us cackling like maniacs. This is still one of my fondest Christmas memories."

-- Dave Barry

12-11-08

The Yankees' salary cap is over 70 million dollars higher than the next highest cap in baseball.

12-10-08

Okay, this one may or may not be photoshopped.

12-9-08

This is not photoshopped. It's called a coconut crab and it's terrifying.

12-8-08

"Trying to set my old ripped up mattress on fire. How to prevent the house from burning too?

I finally got a new mattress so I want to get rid of my old one. Its too heavy to carry downstairs so I was going to burn it right in the room. How do I prevent from the whole house burning down? I set it in the middle of the room and away from the walls and the walls are covered in foil. Should this be good enough?"

And of course, the expert answers. My favorite: "This is rather an odd question for the pregnancy section."

12-7-08

Nuclear submarines can stay underwater for a year.

12-6-08

Samuel Jackson was in Jurassic Park.

12-5-08

Vaseline can be used to hide scratches on HDTV's.

12-4-08

Chimpanzees have huge balls.

12-3-08

"A Ross Township man accused of shooting his girlfriend waived his right to a preliminary hearing Wednesday.

Authorities say a 17-year-old McCandless girl was shot in the groin on Feb. 27 at Timothy Madden's Perry Highway apartment.

The girl and the 23-year-old Madden were engaged in "bedroom activities" when the gun discharged, police said.

Details are graphic, but police said the incident involved a .45-caliber handgun with a condom on it, and the weapon somehow went off."

The full story.

12-2-08

The Chicago soccer team is called Chicago Fire.

12-1-08

Monster.com is sending me emails against my will with what it thinks are jobs I might like. Let's see what insightful career advice it has for me today:

"My saved search: Technical Writing
Title: Land Combat Electronic Missile System Repairer."

Yes, I do believe that's it, exactly.

11-30-08

Thigh chafing.

===

Marathon runners get bloody nipples.

11-29-08

Giraffes sleep less than two hours a day.

11-28-08

Filet mignon comes from a cow's back.

11-27-08

So I finally played the Wii today. I guess it's fine for stupid "games" like Wii Fit, but for anyone who wants to play an actual, you know, game, it blows. I played the new Smash Brothers and, with the Wii controller, it was worse than the N64 version.

11-26-08

"A desire not to acknowledge depression in ourselves or those close to us -- better known these days as denial, is such a strong urge that plenty of people prefer to think that until you are actually flying out of a window, you don't have a problem."

-- Elizabeth Wurtzel

11-25-08

Order of the Stick. Finally, a D&D comic that's actually good.

11-24-08

The founder of Craigslist was a comp sci major at Case.

11-23-08

Breast implants sink.

11-22-08

Paul had an awesome party at his apartment tonight. I got to play Caylus, Puerto Rico, Magic, and Rock Band 2, all in the same evening!

11-21-08

"I took my husband's i-phone and found a raunchy picture of him attached to an e-mail to a woman ... When I approached him about this (I think that he is cheating on me) he admitted that he took the picture but says that he never sent it to anyone. He claims that ... it is an i-phone glitch: that photos sometimes automatically attach themselves to an e-mail address and appear in the sent folder, even though no e-mail was ever sent. Has anyone ever heard of this happening?"

From the Apple support forum. Read the expert replies here.

11-20-08

Hawaii Chair.

11-19-08

Today is World Toilet Day. According to the World Toilet Organization, anyway.

"Toilets deserve better social status."

11-18-08

Last night, some guy parked his car across the street, shot his 10 year-old kid and then shot himself.

11-17-08

One of my friends is trying to start a revolutionary movement.

11-16-08

The bird that hit Fabio in the face was stuffed and sold on Ebay.

11-15-08

Door-to-door meat salesmen.

11-14-08

Smokers lose their taste buds.

11-13-08

Dogs can be used to hunt for truffles. They're better than pigs, because dogs don't try to eat truffles when they find them.

11-12-08

Some schools now consider "F" a swear word.

11-11-08

1 in 3 children in America are overweight. What's even more sad is that the Cookie Monster now eats vegetables and says that "cookies are a sometimes food."

11-10-08

The plural of "eye" and "cow" used to be "eyn" and "kine." "Eyes" and "cows" were wrong words, like foots and oxes.

11-9-08

"You can't fight ideas with bullets."

-- Deus Ex

11-8-08

In case you missed it, Fallout 3 is amazing. Very different from the first two, but a brilliant game in its own right.

11-7-08

"The fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses."

-- Carl Sagan

11-6-08

Q-tips push wax deeper into the ear -- much more wax than they get out. In fact, q-tip packages say nothing whatsoever about earwax removal; they refer to the tips as "applicators," intended for rubbing stuff on. Q-tips do happen to fit in ears, which somehow led to the belief that they're good for removing wax; they're actually completely useless for this purpose.

11-5-08

Michael Crichton died yesterday.

11-4-08

I voted today. Not that it made any difference.

"The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it."

-- P.J. O'Rourke

11-3-08

11-2-08

The math problem that Matt Damon's character solves in Good Will Hunting -- the problem that, supposedly, took a team of MIT professors two years to figure out -- is a simple tree puzzle that can be solved in minutes with a bit of trial and error and about 30 seconds' worth of graph theory.

11-1-08

Sichuan peppercorns aren't peppercorns.

Also, after owning it for over a year, I played Shogun and it was awesome.

10-31-08

Pumpkins are a type of squash.

10-30-08

Full Frontal Nerdity.

10-29-08

The US Puzzle and Sudoku Championships.

The "puzzle" part is okay, but...I think this is worse than tournament rock-paper-scissors.

10-28-08

Need a rimshot? Here's one.

10-27-08

PALIN: Hi folks! Sorry I'm late! I brought caribou burgers.

HILARY: Who the HELL is this?

MCCAIN: It's cool, she's with me.

HILARY: No! No, it's not cool! Every time you bring one of your rodeo-queen girlfriends in here she ends up playing some succubus infiltrator and killing the whole party!

MCCAIN: Now, that is patently untrue.

BIDEN: He has a point. Cindy turned out to be a vampire.

There's much more.

10-26-08

Women can actually stop having periods if their body fat gets too low. This happens to anorexics and some athletes.

10-25-08

Contrary to Jerry Seinfeld's classic stand-up routine, the wax used by women to uproot hair is not very hot. The wax itself isn't unpleasant; only the ripping of the hair causes pain.

10-24-08

Romanian and Moldovan are the same language.

10-23-08

Jacek Yerka is a dude who paints cool stuff.

10-22-08

Snakes see in green.

10-21-08

10-20-08

"Raw Horseflesh" is a real flavor of ice cream you can get in Japan.

10-19-08

The Red Sox lost after all. I guess you can only come back from 3-1 so many times.

10-18-08

"One of our neighbors in Tisvilde once fixed a horseshoe over the door to his house. When a common friend asked him, `But are you really superstitious? Do you honestly believe that this horseshoe will bring you luck?' he replied, `Of course not; but I've been told it works whether you believe in it or not.'"

-- Niels Bohr

10-17-08

Kickass articles about game theory.

10-16-08

The old FPS Max Payne is being made into a movie. Here's what star Mark Walhberg had to say:

''I was a little nervous about doing a movie based on a videogame because I grew up playing Pac-Man and Asteroids and there was no story there."

Holy. Shit.

10-15-08

Keira Knightley plays backgammon.

10-14-08

Menger's Sponge.

10-13-08

The reason that most alarm clocks use 9 minutes, 7 minutes, or other odd snooze intervals is that a single digit interval allows the clock to check the time by looking only at the last digit. If a 10 minute interval were used, the alarm clock would require more circuitry in order not to go off immediately after you pressed the snooze button.

10-12-08

xkcd has been on an amazing streak. Here's another link about DRM.

10-11-08

I learned a new puzzle!

The Hat Game is played in teams of three. Each player in a team has a red or blue hat placed on his head, determined at random, and can see his teammates' hats but not his own. With no communication, each player must guess the color of his hat, writing down "red," "blue," or "I don't know." If all three players write down "I don't know," the team loses. If one or more players guess incorrectly, the team loses. If at least one player writes down a color and all of the colors are correct, the team wins.

Teams are given time beforehand to develop a strategy. The strategy can be anything, for example, "If Bob sees that Alice has a red hat, he should write blue," or whatever. What strategy should you use to maximize your odds of winning?

10-10-08

Q: What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?

A: Robin, get in the car.

This is my new favorite joke of all time.

10-9-08

This may be real.

10-8-08

A rabbit can kick hard enough to break its own back.

10-7-08

"When I was about 6 I used to believe that clouds were a collection of everyone's farts around the world and that when people farted too much this would cause big rain clouds to form and then it would rain. For a few years I remember being terrified of rain because I believed it to be 'fart water' and I would always cry and have my dad carry me under his umbrella so I wouldn't get any on me."

-- www.iusedtobelieve.com

10-6-08

Freerice has been updated. It has 60 levels now, making my previous high of 47 extremely embarrassing. After much effort I was only able to boost it to 48. I can't imagine the words you'll see in the 50's.

10-5-08

Were children's toys always this terrifying, and we just never noticed?

10-4-08

Proof that unicorns hate mimes:

10-3-08

I missed the vice presidential debate yesterday and decided to do a little catch-up on Youtube. Sarah Palin is not as dumb as she looks. McCain's selecting her may have been the most transparent political ploy of all time, but her "hockey mom" ditsyness is at least partially an act.

10-2-08

Athletes have Gatorade, but playing sports is nothing compared to the extreme intensity of sitting at a computer. That's why we gamers need Mana Potions, the most terrifying energy product in the universe. Don't believe me? Here. I don't care how useful Vitamin B12 is; cramming 6667% of it into a 50 mL capsule can't possibly be a good idea.

10-1-08

Scarlett Johansson got married this weekend.

Damn.

9-30-08

Real product in Japan.

9-29-08

"I don't think I'll ever become an American, Mom. I don't think I'll ever forget Russian. And the main reason I'll never become an American is, because I don't like pizza."

-- Me, when I was 6.

Well, I still remember a little Russian, but I do like my pizza.

9-28-08

"Money can't buy you love, but love can bring you money. In software the only sustainable way to earn money is by first creating love, and then hoping that some folks want to demonstrate that love with their dollars.

The cheddary 'Free to Play' is not just a cheesy marketing slogan, but a shift in assumptions; it costs approaching nothing to give away some bits, or let people play Puzzle Pirates for free. Every player, free or paid, adds value to the community and excitement for other players. Free players are the content, context and society that encourages a small fraction of the audience to willingly pay more than enough to subsidize the rest.

'Not fair', the vendor of music or packaged software cries. Well, tough shit. Nobody added your business to the list of protected species, despite what your lobbyists and lawyers say. Find a business model that's actually appropriate to the 21st century."

-- Daniel James, at Penny Arcade

9-27-08

The farmers' market in Madison is the largest in the country.

9-26-08

Paul Newman died today.

9-25-08

Quick-change artists.

9-24-08

I generally try to keep this blog free of porn, but...I can't resist SFW Porn.

9-23-08

In Iceland, tipping is an insult.

9-22-08

Batteries don't have a constant charge.

9-21-08

Facebook borrowed a line from Google and introduced a Pirate language. It does make Facebook vastly more interesting.

9-20-08

Mario Paint Composer.

9-19-08

Speaking of new versions of classic games, Desktop Tower Defense has been upgraded too. There are new towers now as well as various challenge modes. Unfortunately, the old scoreboards have been cleared, so my mazes are gone forever and I'm going to have to relearn the game.

9-18-08

I don't know when this happened, but there's an expanded version of Stick RPG. That mall thing that was closed before is open now, and you can do crazy things like upgrade your house and play in the stock market.

The best way to make money is still just to max intelligence, though.

9-17-08

Monster's Den.

9-16-08

So Rock Band 2 came out and, honestly, it appears to be crap. The song list is lame and there's nothing new except a handful of completely unnecessary interface changes. I swore off the Guitar Hero series after witnessing the abomination that was GH3, but Guitar Hero: World Tour actually looks a lot more exciting.

9-15-08

Bioware is making a new RPG!!

9-14-08

Which is cooler: ninja dog or ninja cat? I think the cat is a little cooler.

9-13-08

"That's the kind of person that, even if there's no God, they're going to hell."

-- Sam, on Feng Shui consultants

9-12-08

I finally tried a burger at Culver's, the local fan favorite burger joint. It was pretty bad.

9-11-08

Officials: Burglar wakes men with spice rub, sausage whack.

9-10-08

Sam's Club is owned by Walmart.

9-9-08

When you take the GMAT, instead of scratch paper, you get a dry-erase board. Which you're not allowed to erase.

9-8-08

Incident

Once riding in old Baltimore,
Heart-filled, head-filled with glee;
I saw a Baltimorean
Keep looking straight at me.

Now I was eight and very small,
And he was no whit bigger,
And so I smiled, but he poked out
His tongue, and called me, "Nigger."

I saw the whole of Balimore
From May until December;
Of all the things that happened there
That's all that I remember.

-- Countée Cullen

9-7-08

I'm not sure what it is with me and pictures that are used as jokes in forums.

9-6-08

Imperius: I fully expect to meet you at the Pearly Gates, little thief, and don't you dare disappoint me.
Phillipe: I'll meet you there, Father... even if I have to pick the lock.

This is a line by Matthew Broderick's character in the 1985 movie Ladyhawke. Awesome line. Shitty movie.

9-5-08

Spaghetti Cat.

9-4-08

Amazons cut off their right boob so they could shoot a bow better.

9-3-08

Cool educational video about spiders.

9-2-08

Soul Calibur now has Mortal Kombat-style fatalities. What is this, 1992?

9-1-08

The new Firefox is ugly. My god, it is ugly.

8-31-08

Really, I'm not sure what to think.

8-30-08

Today I played Agricola, the new #1 game on BGG. It's well deserving of the hype. It has the same depth and freeform nature as Caylus, but with much simpler rules and a shorter playing time. This is a game I hope to play many times.

8-29-08

I took the LSAT today. It's hard.

8-28-08

Cats are left-handed.

8-27-08

My new favorite forum-related joke:

8-26-08

Forgive this spate of vocabulary-related posts, but I continue to be floored by some of the words my students don't know. We've already had erudite, placid, and tome. Today's addition to "Boris's List of Words He Can't Believe Some People Don't Know:" renegade. Hasn't anyone played Bang?

8-25-08

High school-age Jersey girl: So I went on my ex-boyfriend's Facebook, since his birthday was last week. Only like 30 people wrote on his wall to wish him happy birthday.

Friend: Oh my god. What a loser!

-- Overheard in New York

8-24-08

"Good sense is the best distributed thing in the world, for everyone thinks himself to be so well endowed with it that even those who are the most difficult to please in everything else are not at all wont to desire more of it than they have."

-- Descartes

8-23-08

Dave bought Soul Calibur 4 for the 360. Namco's major accomplishments with this one are as follows:

- Yun-Seong has been turned into a gay pirate. This is not a joke.
- Ivy's boobs have gotten even bigger.
- All of the characters' eyes are now blood-rimmed, as though they'd just been snorting coke. With their eyes.
- Cervantes has a beard. He is actually now the hottest character in the game.

The excellent story mode of Soul Calibur 2 is apparently a relic of the past, as the designers seem to have spent most of their time pandering to repressed teenagers by making all of the characters hotter (see "Cervantes" and "beard," above) and giving them bigger boobs if at all possible, and by making it trivial to unlock every single character within .5 seconds of inserting the disc.

True to the spirit of the shitfest that was Soul Calibur 3, a bunch of new features have been added that add nothing whatsoever to gameplay, such as an "equipment destruction" system which is really just an excuse to transform the characters' already revealing clothing into even more revealing clothing as the battle progresses. Men lose their shirts and fight barechested. Women are much better about keeping their shirts on, but all of their clothing becomes tattered and jagged as large strips of it are ripped off. I wonder how many repressed teenagers will subtly throw matches with female characters in an effort to see how much ass they can glimpse. (Answer: quite a lot, and I recommend Sophitia.)

Also in line with Soul Calibur 3, everybody's still a bit slower than they were in Soul Calibur 2. This means you can usually attack into a blocking opponent and still have time to block their counterattack, making combat a tedious block-centric affair where the only way to deal damage is to hope that your opponent does an attack at the same time you do and that your attack randomly supersedes theirs. To be fair, there is now a "soul gauge" that eventually flashes red if you block too much, at which point the next attack from your opponent will pierce your block and send you into a state of "soul crush." But the inclusion of this feature is essentially an admission on the part of the developers that Soul Calibur 3 was a piece of shit, because Soul Calibur 2 was perfectly fine without any such shenanigans. Moreover, the soul gauge recharges so quickly that the threat of soul crush is rarely relevant. Things like this make me wonder why game designers are so reluctant to, you know, keep doing what works.

Also in line with Soul Calibur 3, characters perform fewer moves than they did in Soul Calibur 2. In 2, pretty much any button combination + direction resulted in a different move. In 3 and 4, many of the combinations are either redundant or do nothing whatsoever. For a game that's (let's face it) resolved primarily by button mashing -- or, okay, intelligent button mashing -- the dramatic decrease in combat variety continues to be disappointing.

So in short, if you're wondering, "Have they found a way to make a Soul Calibur game that isn't strictly worse than Soul Calibur 2?", the answer is still no.

8-22-08

Newton wrote more about religion than about science.

8-21-08

A month ago, one of my students didn't know the word "erudite." That's reasonable, it's kind of an erudite word. Another student didn't know "placid." Now that's shocking, but hey, it's just one student.

Today, though -- I don't think I can ever come to terms with what happened today. My entire class didn't know "tome." Tome! As in, a common synonym for "book." Is this not as common as I think it is?

8-20-08

When you eat sushi, you're not supposed to slather the whole thing in soy sauce. Soy sauce should be used sparingly, and not even on all of the pieces.

8-19-08

My new GRE class has exactly one guy in it. Everybody else is a girl. Does this mean there are more women going to grad school than men, or that women need more help than men do?

8-18-08

Morton's Fork.

8-17-08

I played A Game of Thrones today. I liked the game when I played it a year ago, but today I was sufficiently unimpressed. The diplomacy and battle elements are great, but the event cards at the start of each turn have a significant impact on the players' fates and, what's worse, usually favor some players over others. I'm terrible at wargames and probably would have lost even if the event cards hadn't screwed me over every single turn, but it was decidedly unpleasant to feel tossed about by random chance in major ways in a game that takes eight hours.

8-16-08

Simon's Cat.

8-15-08

I watched this "Dr. Horrible" thing that everyone's been raving about, and it's good. I admire Whedon's ability to evoke unique sensations out of something so cliched, yet the problem in the end is that it is, after all, cliched. The humor is excellent, but there is a definite sense that the show aspires to make a serious point, and you can't make a serious point when the plot and the characters are so banal. Two flawed men compete over a boringly perfect woman -- I'm not going to be moved by what happens.

8-14-08

8-13-08

Flibbertigibbet. It's a real word.

8-12-08

8-11-08

Eidos is making Deus Ex 3. What are they thinking?

8-10-08

There's an addon for Firefox that conveniently lets you download embedded movies from Youtube. Or elsewhere.

8-9-08

Bernie Mac died today. He had pneumonia.

8-8-08

Wondermark hits one out of the park.

8-7-08

Hugh Jackman is Australian.

8-6-08

There's been a surge of incredible Live Arcade games recently. Case in point: Braid.

8-5-08

Eschalon: Book 1 is a kick-ass RPG. It's old-school, but the graphics are still pretty good, the story is cliched but intriguing, and the character system is excellent. If you've been bummed that the last good pure RPG came out like ten years ago, be bummed no longer.

8-4-08

Auntie Anne's caramel sauce is frickin' unbelievable.

8-3-08

Every single person at the Radiohead concert was A) white, and B) high.

8-2-08

The Phoenix lander found water on Mars.

8-1-08

Desert tortoises live underground.

7-31-08

Geometry Wars 2 is amazing.

Now, the original Geometry Wars was the best Live Arcade game of all time -- really, the only good game -- so naturally you'd expect the sequel to be a huge flaming pile of ass. But no. It is unbelievable. Imagine everything you ever loved about Geometry Wars. Then imagine it all doubled. Then imagine playing it multiplayer. I mean, jesus. If you own a 360, you either need to buy this game and play it, or buy a shotgun and shoot yourself in the face.

7-30-08

Apiphobia is the fear of bees.

7-29-08

Damn. Stupid Blogger and its artificially shrinking pictures. Here's a version with less fuzzy in it.

7-28-08

The number of cards in a deck is the same as the number of weeks in a year.

7-27-08

GRE test-takers are given exactly six pieces of scratch paper. You can ask for more, but they won't give you any unless you return the first six. That is some Draconian scratch paper management policy, there.

7-26-08

Chili is really easy to make.

Yes, that's right. I cooked. Food!

7-25-08

Tonight I played Extreme Jenga. It's like regular Jenga but with parallelograms.

7-24-08

There is something even more disgusting than body piercings. Oh my god.

7-23-08

They're making a prequel to Battlestar Galactica. It appears to be an abomination.

7-22-08

On August 3rd, I'm driving to Indianapolis with four friends to see Radiohead.

Broadening my cultural horizons, guys. Broadening my cultural horizons.

7-21-08

I taught my first full Kaplan class tonight. It's fun!

7-20-08

Sifting through old college emails.

"I do wonder if all those years looking at chess boards have made you too ready to translate greys into black and white?"

-- My poetry teacher

7-19-08

Right now if you do a Google search for "That Dead Actor" you'll find news results for Heath Ledger.

7-18-08

Inky Dreadfuls.

7-17-08

Lila has a friend whose sister is a professional tennis player. She's on Wikipedia!

7-16-08

How to Good-Bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way?

Yeah, you know, I felt the need to say something, but just, ok.

7-15-08

Pleonasm.

7-14-08

The Deckmaster logo on the back of Magic cards has a stray pen mark.

7-13-08

Rechargeable batteries can't be recharged indefinitely.

7-12-08

"Fuck Apples to Apples."

-- David

7-11-08

I totally want one.

7-10-08

"The White House apologised for what it called 'sloppy work' and said an official had simply lifted the characterisation from the internet without reading it."

Ha, ha.

7-9-08

Western Spaghetti.

7-8-08

7-7-08

Rock Band 2 is coming out in September.

7-6-08

Yesterday I played football for the first time. Today I can't move.

7-5-08

It is a felony to try to stop someone from calling the police.

7-4-08

Bozo the Clown died yesterday.

7-3-08

These are real.

7-2-08

"No one really listens to anyone else, and if you try it for a while you'll see why. "

-- Mignon McLaughlin

7-1-08

Utah is instituting a 4-day week. Only for government employees, though.

6-30-08

The website is down.

6-29-08

Ticket to Ride came out on Live Arcade. If you own a 360, you need to check it out. It's well done.

6-28-08

Blizzard is making Diablo 3!

6-27-08

Wanted is horrible. One of the central plot elements is something called "The Loom of Fate." Not kidding.

6-26-08

The Supreme Court recently had a big ruling upholding the Second Amendment. The vote was 5-4.

6-25-08

Pretty pictures!

6-24-08

I can't believe no one's ever thought of this before.

6-23-08

George Carlin died yesterday.

6-22-08

Yinsh is a good game, for an abstract.

6-21-08

Talking to the police is always a bad idea.

6-20-08

Doctor Who is a terrible show.

6-19-08

"PRODUCER FRANK MARSHALL immediately proves his commitment to using CGI 'only when necessary' by featuring completely necessary CGI prairie dogs in the first shot of the movie."

-- Indiana Jones 4 abridged script

6-18-08

Schadenfreude is pleasure at others' misfortune.

6-17-08

Alex Trebek used to have a mustache.

6-16-08

Bacon floss.

6-15-08

If you take the O out of Damon's you get Damn's.

6-14-08

"For waffles and for pancakes too,
Shake, point and blast is all you do!
Make a better breakfast faster --
Batter Blaster!"

Yes, because mixing stuff with water just isn't fast or easy enough.

===

Baseball players play every day.

6-13-08

Fortune cookies cheat on the lucky numbers. Identical fortunes have identical numbers.

6-12-08

I got my first paycheck from Kaplan. Here's to a new career.

6-11-08

There is a critical shortage of large-animal veterinarians.

6-10-08

So that was a good use of my time.

6-9-08

Those greed-mongering sons of bitches reduced the size of fun-size candy bars!

6-8-08

Firefly is as awesome as everyone claims.

6-7-08

Man jumps from plane with no parachute, dies.

6-6-08

It takes less water to run a dishwasher than to wash those same dishes by hand.

6-5-08

Dave's 360 got Red Ring'd. For the second time.

6-4-08

A year ago today was my first day at Epic. It was not to be...

6-3-08

A sunset on Mars:

6-2-08

Somebody in Japan claims to have made cold fusion work.

6-1-08

A fifteen hour tutoring package at Kaplan costs $2000.

5-31-08

5-30-08

For a long time, Louis XVI didn't know how to have sex.

"The true cause of the couple's infertility is revealed in a letter written by Marie-Antoinette's brother, Joseph II, to another brother, Leopold II...the problem was that when the King and Queen slept together, 'he introduces the member, stays there without moving for about two minutes, withdraws without ejaculating but still erect, and bids goodnight.'"

5-29-08

The best of Craigslist. My favorite: Mom, I know you're there.

5-28-08

5-27-08

If you highlight something written in ink that hasn't dried yet, the highlighter will be ruined FOR EVER.

5-26-08

Harmony: Well, for starters, she's been fucked more times than she's had a hot meal.
Harry: Yeah, I heard about that. It was neck-and-neck and then she skipped lunch.

-- Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

5-25-08

5-24-08

Paul Newman is colorblind.

5-23-08

The new Indiana Jones movie has some funny moments and good action scenes, but it's also a travesty upon reason. Without spoiling too much, let me just say EVERYBODY SHOULD HAVE DIED. MANY TIMES.

So I can't recommend it.

5-22-08

Esperanto isn't the only "designed" language. There's also Lojban and Toki Pona and probably others.

5-21-08

Rickrolling...a cake!

5-20-08

Unbelievable wall-painted animation.

5-19-08

I'm not sure why I find this picture so hot. Does anyone else think so?

5-18-08

It's ice-nine!

5-17-08

Nicholas Cage is a terrible actor.

5-16-08

A penny is heavier than a hummingbird.

5-15-08

madthink: what does putting sugar in someones gas tank do
maff: I heard when you start the engine cinnamon rolls come out
maff: with frosting and everything
madthink: i need to get revenge in the worst way
maff: cinnamon rolls arent really revenge

5-14-08

Felch.

This is one of those moments when I need to refrain from providing a definition -- or even a link to the definition -- if I want to keep this blog rated R.

5-13-08

5-12-08

Wizard of Bling.

5-11-08

"If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me."

-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth

5-10-08

When Louis XVI was executed, the guillotine blade didn't initially cut his head all the way off.

5-9-08

An interesting biography of Jules Verne.

5-8-08

Shrimp can only swim backwards.

5-7-08

Ian's Shoelace Site, featuring 17 Different Ways to Tie Shoelaces.

5-6-08

Bacon doughnuts.


You can get them in Oregon.

5-5-08

Dave is quitting Epic at the end of the month. Well, he lasted longer than I did.

5-4-08

Talking about superheroes. With Sam.

Sam: "What'd be really interesting is a superhero whose only power is that he's immune to the Grandfather Paradox."

Me: "Does this power actually let him travel back in time?"

Sam: "No. But all he has to do is find a way to go back in time and he'll be able to do really cool things."

Amanda: "I don't understand."

Sam: "Well, this superhero would be the only person in the world who could go back in time, kill his own grandfather, and not cease to exist or cause the universe to explode. What this really means is that he's immune to causality. You see, normally the Grandfather Paradox makes it impossible to go back in time and complete a mission, because if you succeed, then it eliminates need of going back in the first place; and if you fail, then what's the point of going back in time? But because he's immune to causality, it's actually possible for him to complete missions."

Amanda: "That doesn't make any sense. Wouldn't it still change everything?"

Sam: "No it wouldn't. Here, suppose I've got this power and I've gone back in time and killed Hitler. Ask me any question."

Amanda: "Okay. Did World War 2 ever happen?"

Sam: "I don't know what you're talking about."

Amanda: "Um. Was there a World War 2?"

Sam: "I don't understand what you're saying."

Amanda, me, and David: "..."

Sam: "You see? That's his power. He doesn't understand any of your questions."

5-3-08

For the first time in a little over a year, I played Die Macher again today. This time it was with the full five players, and man is it an awesome game. Who knew German politics were so exciting?

5-2-08

Great moments in Apples to Apples.

The adjective: Tempting

The winning noun: Day-Care Centers

5-1-08

4-30-08

Brie crust is mold.

4-29-08

The incubation period for mad cow disease is five years.

4-28-08

Taking a stand.

4-27-08

Good cartoons are enriching as well as amusing.

4-26-08

The Hobbit movie is really happening, and Guillermo del Toro was hired as the director.

4-25-08

Tom: Look, it's all completely chicken soup.
Nick the Greek: It's what?
Tom: It's kosher. As Christmas.
Nick the Greek: The Jews don't celebrate Christmas, Tom.

-- Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

4-24-08

Bears can eat each other!

4-23-08

I'm pretty sure Marina's blog is dead, so I removed the link. Carry on, Andy! You're the only one left.

4-22-08

The Ultimate Showdown has an Arrested Development reference.

4-21-08

Dave won the Epic short fiction writing contest! The prize is an impressive $200 gift certificate to a local bookshop.

4-20-08

Schoolgirl #1: She just kept going on about chewing cunts in class.
Schoolgirl #2: Cud, you dumbass! Cows don't chew cunt.

Overheard in New York.

4-19-08

Wikipedia was created by a porn webring company.

4-18-08

Polar bear liver has such a high concentration of vitamin A that it's toxic.

4-17-08

An Engineer's Guide to Cats.

4-16-08

Don't blame me for not updating. Blame my god damn free apartment internet!

Oh yes, the fact: free apartment internet sucks. I think I've done this one before.

4-15-08

Nerd.

4-14-08

The Job.

4-13-08

Buffalo hot dogs are delicious.

4-12-08

Foil cards in 10th Edition don't have reminder text.

4-11-08

I thought perhaps that this would be the year there would be no snow in April. Just once in my lifetime, I would like to go the entirety of April without seeing any fucking snow!!

4-10-08

Dave has convinced me to try Battlestar Galactica, and it startles me to say that even though the show has appeared on the Sci-Fi Channel and should therefore by all accounts be an abomination of human dignity, it's decent.

4-9-08

"We were a fashionable and highly cultured party. We had on our best clothes, and we talked pretty, and were very happy - all except two young fellows, students, just returned from Germany, commonplace young men, who seemed restless and uncomfortable, as if they found the proceedings slow. The truth was, we were too clever for them. Our brilliant but polished conversation, and our high-class tastes, were beyond them. They were out of place, among us. They never ought to have been there at all. Everybody agreed upon that, later on.

We played morceaux from the old German masters. We discussed philosophy and ethics. We flirted with graceful dignity. We were even humorous - in a high-class way.

Somebody recited a French poem after supper, and we said it was beautiful; and then a lady sang a sentimental ballad in Spanish, and it made one or two of us weep - it was so pathetic.

And then those two young men got up, and asked us if we had ever heard Herr Slossenn Boschen (who had just arrived, and was then down in the supper-room) sing his great German comic song.

None of us had heard it, that we could remember.

The young men said it was the funniest song that had ever been written, and that, if we liked, they would get Herr Slossenn Boschen, whom they knew very well, to sing it. They said it was so funny that, when Herr Slossenn Boschen had sung it once before the German Emperor, he (the German Emperor) had had to be carried off to bed.

They said nobody could sing it like Herr Slossenn Boschen; he was so intensely serious all through it that you might fancy he was reciting a tragedy, and that, of course, made it all the funnier. They said he never once suggested by his tone or manner that he was singing anything funny - that would spoil it. It was his air of seriousness, almost of pathos, that made it so irresistibly amusing.

We said we yearned to hear it, that we wanted a good laugh; and they went downstairs, and fetched Herr Slossenn Boschen.

He appeared to be quite pleased to sing it, for he came up at once, and sat down to the piano without another word.

"Oh, it will amuse you. You will laugh," whispered the two young men, as they passed through the room, and took up an unobtrusive position behind the Professor's back.

Herr Slossenn Boschen accompanied himself. The prelude did not suggest a comic song exactly. It was a weird, soulful air. It quite made one's flesh creep; but we murmured to one another that it was the German method, and prepared to enjoy it.

I don't understand German myself. I learned it at school, but forgot every word of it two years after I had left, and have felt much better ever since. Still, I did not want the people there to guess my ignorance; so I hit upon what I thought to be rather a good idea. I kept my eye on the two young students, and followed them. When they tittered, I tittered; when they roared, I roared; and I also threw in a little snigger all by myself now and then, as if I had seen a bit of humour that had escaped the others. I considered this particularly artful on my part.

I noticed, as the song progressed, that a good many other people seemed to have their eye fixed on the two young men, as well as myself. These other people also tittered when the young men tittered, and roared when the young men roared; and, as the two young men tittered and roared and exploded with laughter pretty continuously all through the song, it went exceedingly well.

And yet that German Professor did not seem happy. At first, when we began to laugh, the expression of his face was one of intense surprise, as if laughter were the very last thing he had expected to be greeted with. We thought this very funny: we said his earnest manner was half the humour. The slightest hint on his part that he knew how funny he was would have completely ruined it all. As we continued to laugh, his surprise gave way to an air of annoyance and indignation, and he scowled fiercely round upon us all (except upon the two young men who, being behind him, he could not see). That sent us into convulsions. We told each other that it would be the death of us, this thing. The words alone, we said, were enough to send us into fits, but added to his mock seriousness - oh, it was too much!

In the last verse, he surpassed himself. He glowered round upon us with a look of such concentrated ferocity that, but for our being forewarned as to the German method of comic singing, we should have been nervous; and he threw such a wailing note of agony into the weird music that, if we had not known it was a funny song, we might have wept.

He finished amid a perfect shriek of laughter. We said it was the funniest thing we had ever heard in all our lives. We said how strange it was that, in the face of things like these, there should be a popular notion that the Germans hadn't any sense of humour. And we asked the Professor why he didn't translate the song into English, so that the common people could understand it, and hear what a real comic song was like.

Then Herr Slossenn Boschen got up, and went on awful. He swore at us in German (which I should judge to be a singularly effective language for that purpose), and he danced, and shook his fists, and called us all the English he knew. He said he had never been so insulted in all his life.

It appeared that the song was not a comic song at all. It was about a young girl who lived in the Hartz Mountains, and who had given up her life to save her lover's soul; and he died, and met her spirit in the air; and then, in the last verse, he jilted her spirit, and went on with another spirit - I'm not quite sure of the details, but it was something very sad, I know. Herr Boschen said he had sung it once before the German Emperor, and he (the German Emperor) had sobbed like a little child. He (Herr Boschen) said it was generally acknowledged to be one of the most tragic and pathetic songs in the German language.

It was a trying situation for us - very trying. There seemed to be no answer. We looked around for the two young men who had done this thing, but they had left the house in an unostentatious manner immediately after the end of the song.

That was the end of that party. I never saw a party break up so quietly, and with so little fuss. We never said good-night even to one another. We came downstairs one at a time, walking softly, and keeping the shady side. We asked the servant for our hats and coats in whispers, and opened the door for ourselves, and slipped out, and got round the corner quickly, avoiding each other as much as possible.

I have never taken much interest in German songs since then."

-- Jerome K. Jerome, Three Men In a Boat (To Say Nothing of the Dog)

4-8-08

Racing through space at unimaginable speeds, Capt. Dimwell could only imagine how fast his spaceship was going.

The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest.

4-7-08

Anti Monkey Butt Powder. It's real.

4-6-08

Anal bleaching.

"Anal bleaching is the practice of bleaching the pigmentation of the skin of light-skinned people around the anus. It is used for cosmetic purposes."

There are so many things in those two sentences that I don't understand.

4-5-08

Charleton Heston died today.

4-4-08

Dave and I finished Arrested Development. Greatest show on television? Not quite. But it was pretty hilarious.

4-3-08

Porcupines float in water.

4-2-08

4-1-08

A cool April Fool's prank, plus history lesson.

3-31-08

Human Space Invaders! There are three others in the series, but SI is the best.

3-30-08

3-29-08

Big tree -- distant fruit.

-- Indian saying

3-28-08

Q: What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?



A: The Holocaust.

3-27-08

MushMouth -- that classic board game!

3-26-08

Incompetent People Really Have No Clue, Studies Find.

The article (compliments of Marina) is utter bullshit, but it's worth it for the title.

In the words of Lila: "That researcher was right about one thing: he is incompetent."

3-25-08

Buster: Mom is becoming a little controlling.
Michael: What tipped you off? When she locked you out on the balcony again?
Buster: That was half my fault. I thought I saw a graham cracker out there.

-- Arrested Development

3-24-08

3-23-08

Boners!

3-22-08

3-21-08

Highlander is a terrible, terrible movie.

3-20-08

Mark Hamill is married to a dental hygienist.

3-19-08

Normally I don't go for "cute," but just this once:

3-18-08

Arthur C. Clarke died today.

3-17-08

Goldfish have an attention span of 3 seconds.

Yeah, I don't know what the hell is up with Snapple lids these days, either.

3-16-08

Personalized M&M's. This is only a notch better than the Sudoku toilet paper.

3-15-08

3-14-08

First of all, happy Pi Day. Second of all: puns!

3-13-08

Slang That I'm Officially Too Old For, #2:

rickroll (v) -- to present someone with a hyperlink that points to this video, yet claim that it points to some other, infinitely more interesting, thing.

For example: Scarlett Johansson finally shows her boobs!

3-12-08

"To do two things at once is to do neither."

— Publilius Syrus, Roman slave, first century B.C.

3-11-08

Hilarious.

3-10-08

Can't tell if this story is true or an early April Fool's prank.

"Weenus Chumkamnerd, 52, put his gun to the head of a respected female doctor and seven of her guests as they partied at her home in Songkhla Province, South Thailand.

He said he was so furious with their awful singing that he did not notice he had murdered his own brother-in-law.

'I warned these people about their noisy karaoke parties. I said if they carried on I would go down and shoot them.'"

John Denver karaoke sparks Thai killing spree.

3-9-08

Dave: "So, should we get going?"
Me: "Nah, it's not going to take an hour to get there."
Dave: "Um..."

Wish somebody had told me about daylight fucking savings time.

3-8-08

Ferrets often get killed in recliner sofas.

3-7-08

"My other D&D story involves a girl I was infatuated with who decided that D&D was of the devil, and I should immediately throw away all my stuff. Hmmm. The girl or the D&D? Which should I choose?

I chose the girl. She chose my best friend. But by then all my D&D stuff was ashes in the trash burner."

Favorite Dungeons and Dragons Moments.

3-6-08

The word amphitheater has that extra "h" after the "p".

3-5-08

Gary Gygax, co-creator of D&D, died yesterday. Also:

http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2008/03/04

3-4-08

Heather Graham's dad used to be an FBI agent.

3-3-08

Arrested Development was an awesome show.

3-2-08

My Guitar Hero guitar is broken! That's no good.

3-1-08

Face goal.

2-29-08

Best football play ever.

2-28-08

All right, this is kind of embarrassing, but I feel that if you're reading this blog you have some interest in learning things about me, and you therefore have the right to know that I spend a decent amount of time looking at Guitar Hero videos on Youtube. (In the case of the above link, it's actually a Rock Band video of the drums, but the point is the same.)

2-27-08

Garfield minus Garfield.

2-26-08

The comic it was part of became lame and I eventually quit following it, but here's my nominee for the best single strip of all comics of all time:

A perfect world.

2-25-08

Boxing was the first sport to be filmed, in 1894.

2-24-08

Dave made cupcakes!

2-23-08

Tuff = Token Ugly Fat Friend.

2-22-08

Supermanning.

To "Superman" someone, esp. a ho, means to masturbate on her back after she falls asleep and then stick the sheets to the spunk, thereby giving her a cape.

2-21-08

Culdcept Saga: not a great game.

2-20-08

Earthquakes aren't caused by the movement of tectonic plates. They happen because of gay people.

2-19-08

I know it's early, but here's a possible candidate for Best Joke of 2008:

Q: What's Michael Jackson's favorite steak?

A: Prime crib.

2-18-08

Tricky parking.

2-17-08

In Japan, there is a holiday called "Black Day," which is sort of like Valentine's Day except it's for single people. Yeah, nothing says "holiday" like calling people out for being ugly, and alone.

2-16-08

At the playground.

2-15-08

2-14-08

Valentine's Day is a festering swamp cloud of bullshit for about a hundred billion reasons, but what truly baffles me about the holiday is when it rolls around and the people who don't have a Valentine get depressed. To me this is incomprehensible. Being depressed on Valentine's Day because you're not dating someone is like being depressed on Martin Luther King Day because you're not black.

2-13-08

Snow is the bastard child of Satan's bastard daughter's ex-husband's bastard mule.

2-12-08

Andy sent me a video which wasn't ear-rippingly bad, and so I will honor the surprising occasion and share it here.

2-11-08

"See how eager and willing the country is to follow a banner, if only someone will raise it."

-- Niccolo Machiavelli

2-10-08

Bacon-wrapped hotdogs are illegal in Los Angeles.

2-9-08

Cute story about a hippo and a turtle. With pictures!

2-8-08

Um, okay.

2-7-08

Click on the picture to see it better.

2-6-08

Why does it snow? Why can't it just, I don't know, not snow, instead?

2-5-08

Naturally, the year I move to Wisconsin is the snowiest winter in the state's history.

2-4-08

People make games in ASCII.

2-3-08

The Superbowl featured a commercial for porn.

2-2-08

Human beatboxing.

2-1-08

E.T. saved Reese's Pieces from going out of business.

1-31-08

Late at night, nothing gets the job done like an ice cream sandwich.

1-30-08

"Enuf" is a real word. It means, "enough."

Hey, it's in the dictionary.

1-29-08

Before mercury, thermometers were made with alcohol.

1-28-08

Unsure about Scientology? Perhaps Tom Cruise can sway you.

1-27-08

Our oven is unnaturally hot.

1-26-08

Squirrels have a life expectancy of about one year.

1-25-08

You shouldn't have.

1-24-08

Groan!

1-23-08

Lance Armstrong dated Ashley Olsen.

1-22-08

Heath Ledger died today. He took too many sleeping pills.

1-21-08

Today is the second anniversary of this blog. In the two years since I started this thing, I finished college, got a job, became unemployed, and got noticeably balder. I hope the next two years are just as great.

1-20-08

Bobby Fischer is dead. Also, the founder of Wham-O.

1-19-08

I haven't linked to this comic in a while.

1-18-08

David: I'll see you in hell.
Sam: Actually, I don't think you will.
D: Why not?
S: Because I'm a ninja.
D: What, ninjas don't go to hell?
S: No, you just can't see them.

1-17-08

1-16-08

Clementines can get moldy. Furthermore, if it takes you long enough to figure this out, they'll leave a giant mold smear all over your counter.

1-15-08

Snakes aren't slimy.

1-14-08

"One cannot but wonder at this constantly recurring phrase 'getting something for nothing,' as if it were the peculiar and perverse ambition of disturbers of society. Except for our animal outfit, practically all we have is handed to us gratis. Can the most complacent reactionary flatter himself that he invented the art of writing or the printing press, or discovered his religious, economic and moral convictions, or any of the devices which supply him with meat and raiment or any of the sources of pleasure as he may derive from literature or the fine arts? In short, civilization is little else than getting something for nothing."

-- James Harvey Robinson

1-13-08

1-12-08

Blizzard put out WoW commercials starring William Shatner and Mr. T.

1-11-08

1-10-08

"Nice shooting, Vic," Fisheye says.

"It's, like, one of them drug dealer boats," Vic says, looking through his magic sight. "Five guys on it. Headed our way." He fires another round. "Correction. Four guys on it." Boom. "Correction, they're not headed our way anymore." Boom. A fireball erupts from the ocean two hundred feet away. "Correction. No boat."

-- Snow Crash

===

Neal Stephenson popularized the term "avatar."

1-9-08

Best cereal ever.

1-8-08

Zero Punctuation. Hilarious animated reviews of video games.

1-7-08

Pigs can get sunburn.

1-6-08

Banned commercial.

1-5-08

I visited Marina and Yuriy this weekend and they are kind of obsessed with Settlers.

1-4-08

I drove to Ann Arbor today and got lost twice. Coming out of Columbus.

1-3-08

Introductory Photoshop tutorial.

1-2-08

There is a mathematician named Jacques Tits.

1-1-08

Drew Carey is now the host of The Price is Right.

12-31-07

A polar bear walks into a bar. He comes up to the bartender and says, "I'd like ... ... ... ... ... a beer."

The bartender says, "Fine, but what's with the huge paws?"

(My congratulations to Andy for the best joke of 2007.)

12-30-07

Towing 101.

12-29-07

Doesn't Congress have better things to do?